Mr. Right...Now

What follows is a trans-continental exchange between Manuela (of "Firewall" fame, and me, Alicia) prompted by Manuela's sharing of an Atlantic Piece, entitled Marry Him! by Lori Gottlieb, in which Gottlieb makes the case for settling for "Mr. Good Enough." 

M: Has it come to this?

A:  Well, not for us.  That is the benefit of being a double-digit set of years away from forty, right?  Part of what hit me at a gut level about this piece was the connection between settling and having children.  I know this will sound very snobby, so forgive me, but I'm not sure that I want to make babies with a Mr. Good Enough.   If the desire to procreate  includes some self-awareness of primacy and survival of the fittest, then why in the world would I want to create offspring with someone who has traits that I view as undesirable?  And why would I want to bring children into a fragile partnership with someone who deep down I feel too good for? 

M: I'm not even thinking about my future hypothetical children--I'm worried about myself! Why would I ever become intimately involved with, and spend the majority of my personal time with, someone I don't consider my peer? Someone who doesn't excite me, challenge me, support me, engage me! While I don't disagree with Ms. Gottlieb--many women both you and I know have given up on great relationships in exchange for an imaginary "knight in shining armor"--as young women with some time left on our proverbial biological clocks I'd rather the message be: focus on who makes you happy and helps you live the life you want to live. That's neither an impossible Hollywood ending nor a pragmatic, impersonal partnering. I say, focus on that first: then worry about the wonderful family that might come of such a relationship.

A:  Right.  So maybe we weren't the audience Gottlieb was writing for.  Backing away from the biological piece and focusing instead on our friends and all the "great relationships" they've given up on - how many of them were truly great?  Women don't end great relationships - I've never, ever seen it happen.  Women break up with great men who they're not meant to be with.  That's often the hardest break up of all, and the one that ends with the "hope we can still be friends" routine that rarely pans out.  It's really much easier to break up with a jerk that for inexplicable reasons you're still into than the sweet guy who treats you well but just isn't it.  I know so many girls who think they're the problem:  too picky, too fickle, or too restless.  But if you are supposed to choose one person to be with day in and day out, why not make it a rigorous selection process?

M: Most definitely agree we aren't the audience Gottlieb is addressing--thank goodness! However, though I'm not a 40-something mother of an In Vitro-fertilized newborn (I'm keeping my options open for now...), her article continues to speak to me. If you'll humor me for a second, let's flip this conversation to the way men select their (female) mates. I don't dare generalize, but I've had many conversations with guy friends who had recently "found" girlfriends, and I'm still impressed with their criteria. Often, it came down to a few simple concerns: Is she pretty and do I find her attractive? Do I have fun with her and enjoy her company? Does she satisfy me sexually? More than the simplicity of the standards (by which I don't mean any lack of development or thought), I was struck by each of my friend's focus on himself and the needs of his lifestyle. It was assumed that he wasn't going to err from his own trajectory (personal, professional, intellectual, etc.), and so finding a girlfriend was about fitting a female into his pre-ordained, set life. For me, rather than continue looking for someone else to "complete" me (since I guess I'm not whole, now?) or "make me happy" (why? because I wasn't happy before we met?), or whom I'm "meant to be with" (because we're soul mates? because G-d intended it? because we were lovers in past lives?), I'd sooner think that I don't need someone else to make me more...well...me. I need someone who's life fits into the trajectory I intend for my life, and who will be happy as we follow our own trajectories, together. Sure, it's dry and downright unromantic to pursue the "infrastructure" and a "stable, reliable life companion" to which she refers. Certainly her repeated use of the verb "to settle" runs counter to every part of my life. I just really appreciate her attempt to refocus the question of marriage from that of two separate individuals' needs toward that of a third entity which exists beyond the two who compose it. And that might have nothing to do with a dreamy ideal--it might be very rational, realistic consideration of a relationship, which permits two people to continue ticking. In the end, someone who fulfills that criteria would enable me to continue pursuing my dreams. For me, that's feminism.

A:  And while I might not define it in exactly the same way, I think my feminist agenda dictates that I celebrate your definition, and your choice, even if it is not my own.  But that’s a pretty obnoxious thing of me to say when I am dating a Mr. Perfect. 

Please note: I am signing off from this trans-continental conversation without giving my girl Manuela time to respond, but allowing for the possibility of continued dialogue. xoxo Alicia